Ten Things Naruto Kept Hidden In His Heart
by ryanreynolds
Summary: Uzumaki Naruto was, underneath the brass and loud appearance, a very private person. Was he to describe everything about himself, he would have to talk for years upon years, but no one cared enough to ask. But in case, someone ever cared to get to know him, he wrote down ten things to tell. Ten things he kept hidden in his heart. (Heavily implied NejiNaru but could be ignored)


i. Naruto was born in grief and raised in hate. He was allowed to live by himself, scorned and scowled at by everyone in the village, from the highest ranking jounin to his fellow orphans. He suffered under their grief, and he vowed to himself never to allow history to cloud his vision as Yamanaka Ino pretended to gag at the sight of him. He was never one of them and thus he promised to never shut anyone out. He would not let those who were gone decide his fate.

ii. Naruto spent hours upon hours scouring the memorials and the cemeteries for the name of his family; Uzumaki. He had a map in his room where he crossed off the stones and the graves which did not hold his surname.

Iii. Naruto found one name, Uzumaki Kushina, and his heart broke at the sight of it. He could find no trace of her but he wrote her name in his heart, and when he saw the most beautiful woman in front of him, inside of him, years later he could almost feel how the writing became illuminated and flickered like a torch. He had found her.

iv. Naruto wrote letters to the deceased of the Ninja War. But especially to Neji who had died in front of him for him. He wrote never of the big things – those, he suspected, Neji would already know, and if not, then they weren't important. Neji was a man made up of details and it was those that were important to him. The Byakugan revealed the small things. He told him of how the birds in the tree outside his window had built a nest; he told him of how he had found his parents' graves and every day plant new flowers with the help of Ino to make up for everything that he hadn't been able to say to them but he felt they should know. That he missed Neji every second of every day, and that he'd never be able to look at another pair of Hyuuga eyes without feeling like he might break into a thousand pieces. Maybe one day, he wrote with something that could resemble hope, but not today and not tomorrow – not for a very long time. For now, he would allow himself to actually grief.

v. Naruto loved Hinata but he did not love her with his heart. His hands loved the way, they had held hers after Neji's death; how they gave him strength to ignore the blood on his hands for five seconds. His eyes loved her for the way her gentle eyes never made him forget Neji's, and they served as a reminder of the War, and they made his soul feel warm. His hair loved the way she let her fingers sift through it as they lay underneath the sky, she looked at clouds and he looked for lost loved ones. His legs loved her for the way they would walk around Konoha, reflecting old memories, remembering long gone friends, and in the process made him forget about the everlasting pain. But his heart could not love her and thus he embraced her after her confession and shook his head while a tear ran down his cheek. He could not, not when his heart bore the pain of all those who suffered in the war that was started because of him. To _protect_ him.

vi. Naruto had five friends, five truly true friends. Haruno Sakura, Hatake Kakashi, Hyuuga Neji, Gaara and Nara Shikamaru. The first two were the only ones left alive of his family. The next two were the ones he saved and saved him in turn. The last one was the only one he could consult when someone, who should not have died, did just that. Sakura and Kakashi gave him the warmth of family. Neji and Gaara were his beacons in the dark world that emerged from the Great War. Shikamaru, however, were the one he could talk to about the things that kept him up at night, the one he turned to when he saw Neji in the corners of his eyes, with blood dripping down his mouth and that hateful look in his silver eyes. Shikamaru was the one who helped keep him sane.

vii. Uchiha Sasuke gave Naruto meaning, gave him strength. But he also gave him such pain that he could not bear it. Sasuke was his brother when he lived but a child born in happiness but raised in tragedy was bound for ending his life in a blaze of glory. Naruto had always lived in grief, he always had nothing and had always had the knowledge that he could never gain it back; Sasuke had been born in happiness and had everything, had thought he'd always have everything, and then tragedy struck and misery, revenge, hatred froze his world and the ice in his heart, soul, eyes, never once melted. Naruto gave him a bouquet of asphodels every day when he visited his grave. Uchiha Sasuke was his brother in life, but in death Sasuke was nothing more another one to hate for leaving.

viii. Naruto declined the title of Hokage, smiling at Kakashi and telling him, "you keep that hat, old man. I'm never gonna marry paperwork. Ask Shikamaru." He didn't decline because of the paperwork, of course, but because of a heart always aching, threatening to crumble. To be in charge of people's lives once more would surely make it waste away for good. It was like the stones by the sea, eroding away a little more day after day and second after second.

ix. Naruto spent the rest of his days away from Konoha on what Kakashi had made an S-mission; to heal himself. The mission was indefinite and Naruto gave Kakashi a true smile, one of those smiles that were rarely given out these days, and he thought that he might have seen his former sensei's eye grow misty. He traveled first to Gaara and spent his years there until his friend's body gave away and gave his soul peace. In Suna, he learned everything about their dolls and their poisons, but most importantly – he learned everything about Gaara, and they spent their days like mirror images of each other. They knew each other, mind, body and heart. When Gaara died, he traveled to his mother's homeland and settled down by the sea. The sea was bright and full of life, and he made it his mission to go and fully understand what had been protected by the Fourth Shinobi War; everything he had done in the war had been for this. For the fish in the sea to live in peace, for the villagers, for the other shinobi, for the children, to live and grow up without tragedy. He had lost himself in the war but the world had been saved, life would go on without him, and as he breathed in, he found that that was alright.

x. Naruto died in his sleep. He died with dreams of Neji, Gaara, Sasuke, Nagato, Sakura, Kakashi, Obito. He died in his sleep with a smile on his lips and a healed heart.


End file.
